The thoughts that follow were written by my wife Diana while she was hospitalized during her treatment for stage 4 lung cancer. They are completely unedited. I just ran across them on my computer today. I had to share them with you, because they are such a beautiful illustration of her faith. Her positive attitude in the midst of suffering demonstrate why it was so easy for me to be her caregiver. Today was a very hard day, to be without my Valentine. But these thoughts reminded me of how she suffered (without complaint) and made me think of how much better off she is with Jesus. I miss you terribly, Sweetheart! I still love you this Valentine's Day, as much as ever. The picture is from last Valentine's Day.
An Afternoon of Contemplation
In between spiking fevers and sweating through the bedding,
and being oxygen dependent there are just so many things to be thankful
for. Simple things like my best friend
in the whole world, and life long partner has been with me constantly. Today it was such a blessing to take a shower
after four days of sweating through fevers and hospital grunge. How many people in this world do not have
availability of clean water, even for drinking let alone bathing. I’ve been drinking gallons of water, which
means frequent trips to the bathroom.
I had the opportunity to listen to our church service today,
to know how many hundreds of people here in San Antonio were praying for me
this morning, plus my Facebook and CaringBridge friends. It was amazing even though I wasn’t able to
be in church, I could still hear the message by live streaming, although I went
in and out with the fever. In another
place or era that luxury would not be available. In marriage you see their spouse
at their absolute worst but love them anyway.
That’s how Bob has been to me. He
made me feel loved and acceptable, just like Jesus. Years ago someone spoke of “Jesus with skin
on.” When I looked into Bob’s face and
heard to jokes to help us keep perspective, I couldn’t thank God enough. Some of the news we heard this morning was
less than positive. One of the things
that I have hoped would happen was to see my grandsons confirmed, so that they
have Jesus in their hearts and lives, so that during the challenging times they
know who to go to and where to go for help.
Things that I have so much taken for granted seem so good. I have my own teeth at age 66 and can bite
into an apple without difficulty. I’ve
worn glasses since age five in Kindergarten and to be able to sit and watch the
football games… thank you God for my sight.
However long the Lord still gives me life here on earth, to be able to
have oxygen so I can breathe more easily, is a true blessing. Our girls are such a blessing. We couldn’t have children of our own but God
had a better plan. We were able to adopt
little babies who are now women of whom we are very proud. I really had hoped to see my grandsons
confirmed, but I know that our daughters will share our Christian faith with
them.
Last night right at sunset the hospital bed was high enough
to see out the window and watch the cloud shapes and different colors. It reminded me of looking out the window of
the car in the back seat as Dad was driving home from the lake in Michigan, and
how I would watch the clouds then and dream.
My dreams were so limited. God
had so much more in store for us! I had
a card on the window ledge and a yellow butterfly landed on the window right by
the card with dragon flies on it. It
made me smile. The people who have taken
care of me, both as an outpatient for the past year and in the hospital have
been so loving and caring, and so positive.
That’s the impact I want to have on others… to be positive. The littlest, simplest task now totally wears
me out. We’ve taken time to reminisce
over anniversaries and trips that we’ve had through our 43 years. This has been a positive experience in that
way. I wouldn’t necessarily have chosen
it, but it’s given us perspective. I
still can get over all the sludge that has built up in my chest, but Jesus is
going to take it all away. We have
recently purchased cemetery plots so that the girls wouldn’t have to deal with
that. It’s been an opportunity to
witness through out tombstone. We wanted
people who would come to the little Texas Hill Country cemetery to know what
hope in Jesus is like. We have one
headstone. On my side it has John 14:
Peace I leave with you. My peace I give unto you. On the other side it has Ephesians 2: By
grace you have been saved though faith in Christ Jesus. Over the years my personality has changed so
that instead of worrying I have become much more relaxed and happy.
While talking to one of the doctors on call today, his faith
was very evident because he said “God has the final say.” How many people have not heard or accepted
that so that when they face a trauma like this they fall apart or despair. I didn’t feel that way at all. I don’t want to go home without Bob, but
that’s all in God’s hands too. We don’t
have to worry about unsanitary conditions like so many areas of the world. We don’t have to worry about our lives being
snuffed out because of our faith in Jesus.
The concern for the lost is heavy on my heart. After hearing the doctor hear about going to
any length to try to stay here on earth as if that’s their only hope makes me
sad. I’ve thought about how the places
you’ve lived and the people with whom you’ve rubbed shoulders have impacted who
we are at this point in life. I can
remember as a kid being such a worry wort.
“What if I got a B instead of an A on my report card.” God worked all those things out over the
years. Now I can stare death in the face
and know that God will work this out too.
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