It's been three weeks since Diana fell asleep for the last time. It is a great comfort to know that she is with the Lord, but that doesn't diminish the grief that my heart is struggling with. I've been told that there is no grief the that of a mother who has lost her child. Having never experienced such grief, I cannot say if it is the worst grief there is. What I do know it that the grief of a spouse who has lost their helpmate after a lifelong, God-blessed, Christ-centered marriage is tremendous. God's Word tells us that in marriage "the two shall become one." When that huge part of who you have become through marriage is ripped away by death, the pain is overwhelming.
How could I describe that grief? Have you ever played in the surf at the ocean or in one of the Great Lakes? I grew up playing in the surf at Lake Michigan. More recently I have been able to enjoy the surf in the Gulf of Mexico. Most of the time when you're in the water it's fine and you're having fun. Once in a while a wave will catch you off guard and you temporarily lose your balance. But you catch yourself quickly and continue to enjoy the waves. Then comes a wave that was bigger than you expected and suddenly your feet are knocked out from under you. You go down in the surf, but manage to keep your head above water. You float for a moment or two until you can get your feet back on the sandy bottom once again. However, there are those infrequent but terrifying times when you had your back turned to the surf and a huge wave that you never saw coming rushes over you, sucking you completely under water. Suddenly you have no idea which way is up. You can't breathe and you feel yourself being dragged out to sea. You struggle to orient yourself as your heart pounds. Finally, after what seems an eternity you reach the surface and gasp for air. When you finally get yourself back to shore you are completely exhausted. You have no strength left. But you're alive, and you know that life will go on.
That's how I would describe the grief I've felt since Diana died. Most of the time it comes in little ripples that disturb me just enough to remind me that she is gone. Sometimes it comes in bigger waves that knock me down but I bounce right back up. But occasionally an overwhelming wave of grief will crush me, leaving me gasping for breath and exhausted. At those moments I think that I must feel like Peter did when he let the wind and waves overwhelm him while walking on the water. Thankfully Jesus' was there for Peter and He is there for me. Yes, with Jesus' help I do eventually recover from those "killer waves" but they are hard to endure. I assume that as time goes on they will become more infrequent, if not less powerful. But for now, they seem to come all too frequently.
Paul didn't tell us not to grieve. He told us not to grieve "like the rest of men who have no hope." So I will grieve, but I will also trust God to pick me up and put me back on my feet when I've been overwhelmed by a wave of grief. His grace is sufficient for my weakness. And the hope He has given me for a blessed reunion with my sweetheart in heaven is sufficient to strengthen me to carry on. When your time of grief comes remember to take hold of Jesus' outstretched hand and let him pull you to safety.
