Anniversary Getaways

Throughout our 43 years of marriage I served in the pastoral ministry and Diana either taught Lutheran School or was a stay at home mom and homemaker.  As a result, we had little money in the budget for elaborate vacations.  Most of the time our only vacation was traveling back to Michigan to visit family, and most often it took the form of a road trip, which even when made from Minneapolis was completed in one day's drive of over 14 hours in order to save a motel bill.  Vacations got a little nicer when we lived in Seattle, but for the most part our only real splurge each year would come in the form of a short getaway for our anniversary.  It was usually two nights, but sometimes we'd go over the top and do three nights. When the kids were school aged or younger they would be entrusted to the care of loving congregation members.  These getaways became some of the highlights of our life together, and they were always remembered fondly by both Diana and I.

Naturally, when our 44th wedding anniversary came around just six weeks after Diana went home to heaven, a getaway "for the two of us" seemed only natural.  I remembered the first time we visited San Antonio before moving here in 2009, and decided that it would be nice to stay on the Riverwalk, as we had back then, and have dinner at the same restaurant that we enjoyed on that trip, the Little Rhine Steakhouse.  So I am writing this blog from my hotel room on the Riverwalk, fully realizing that this getaway will be nothing like the dozens of others we enjoyed throughout our marriage, but still hoping that it will be a positive and helpful part of my grieving process.  

On our getaways before Diana passed we would always enjoy special meals together, share some romantic times and get some well needed rest.  In addition, however we would use our time to look back over the past year and evaluate what was working in our marriage and what needed work.  We would take time to reminisce about the past year, reading some of Diana's journals and looking through photo albums.  We would talk about our hopes and dreams for the future and our plans for the year ahead.  As I think more about them, I realize now how important these annual getaways were to the success of our marriage.  They became mileposts along the path of life that helped us stay on course and keep moving forward.  

Bed and Breakfast Getaway
in Leavenworth, Washington

One of our very first getaways was to a place called Jumer's Castle Lodge in the Illinois/Iowa Quad Cities.  One of the best ever was to Roche Harbor Resort on San Juan Island in Puget Sound.  Our 25th Anniversary getaway was to Lutsen Ski Resort (we could afford the rates in the summer) in Minnesota.  Each holds special joys as I think about how it impacted our marriage and our relationship.  And yes, there may have been one or two disasters along the way because of bad lodging or an argument that cropped up, but I think I've managed to forget about those.

Tonight I've brought Diana's external hard drive loaded with pictures from the past 15 years.  It was too much to try and bring the other 30 years worth of photo albums.  I also brought her latest journals.  She always shared them with me and would often specifically ask me to read something in particular that she had written, so I'm not violating any confidence.  I plan to use the time alone to reminisce, to thank God for all of His blessings on us throughout our marriage, and to particularly thank God for all the ways He blessed me through Diana.  I am already holding back tears as I think about our past getaways, and I know the flood gates will burst sometime during this time alone, as I spend my first "anniversary getaway" on my own.

If you happen to be on the beginning stages of your marriage journey, I urge you to consider making an anniversary getaway a part of your tradition.  I know that Diana and I were truly blessed by it.

Good Grief

"Brother, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope."   1 Thessalonians 4:13

It's been three weeks since Diana fell asleep for the last time.  It is a great comfort to know that she is with the Lord, but that doesn't diminish the grief that my heart is struggling with.  I've been told that there is no grief the that of a mother who has lost her child.  Having never experienced such grief, I cannot say if it is the worst grief there is.  What I do know it that the grief of a spouse who has lost their helpmate after a lifelong, God-blessed, Christ-centered marriage is tremendous.  God's Word tells us that in marriage "the two shall become one."  When that huge part of who you have become through marriage is ripped away by death, the pain is overwhelming.  

How could I describe that grief?  Have you ever played in the surf at the ocean or in one of the Great Lakes?  I grew up playing in the surf at Lake Michigan.  More recently I have been able to enjoy the surf in the Gulf of Mexico.  Most of the time when you're in the water it's fine and you're having fun. Once in a while a wave will catch you off guard and you temporarily lose your balance.  But you catch yourself quickly and continue to enjoy the waves.  Then comes a wave that was bigger than you expected and suddenly your feet are knocked out from under you.  You go down in the surf, but manage to keep your head above water.  You float for a moment or two until you can get your feet back on the sandy bottom once again.  However, there are those infrequent but terrifying times when you had your back turned to the surf and a huge wave that you never saw coming rushes over you, sucking you completely under water.  Suddenly you have no idea which way is up.  You can't breathe and you feel yourself being dragged out to sea.  You struggle to orient yourself as your heart pounds.  Finally, after what seems an eternity you reach the surface and gasp for air.  When you finally get yourself back to shore you are completely exhausted.  You have no strength left.  But you're alive, and you know that life will go on.  

That's how I would describe the grief I've felt since Diana died.  Most of the time it comes in little ripples that disturb me just enough to remind me that she is gone.  Sometimes it comes in bigger waves that knock me down but I bounce right back up.  But occasionally an overwhelming wave of grief will crush me, leaving me gasping for breath and exhausted. At those moments I think that I must feel like Peter did when he let the wind and waves overwhelm him while walking on the water. Thankfully Jesus' was there for Peter and He is there for me. Yes, with Jesus' help I do eventually recover from those "killer waves" but they are hard to endure.  I assume that as time goes on they will become more infrequent, if not less powerful.  But for now, they seem to come all too frequently.

Paul didn't tell us not to grieve.  He told us not to grieve "like the rest of men who have no hope."  So I will grieve, but I will also trust God to pick me up and put me back on my feet when I've been overwhelmed by a wave of grief.  His grace is sufficient for my weakness.  And the hope He has given me for a blessed reunion with my sweetheart in heaven is sufficient to strengthen me to carry on.  When your time of grief comes remember to take hold of Jesus' outstretched hand and let him pull you to safety.  

The Best Day of the Year

Easter Sunday is the best day of the year!  It has always been my favorite holiday, far and away better than Christmas (with regard to which I am a bit of a "Scrooge").  And of course, it tops Good Friday, when we revisit the horrifying spectacle of Christ's suffering and death.

Obviously each of these Christian holidays is connected to the others in an inseparable fashion.  On Christmas we celebrate the incarnation, the Word of God becoming flesh in the birth of our Savior Jesus.  If Christ had not entered into our world as a real human being he would not have been able to take our place on the cross.  And if Christ had not been willing to suffer and die for our sins, we could not be forgiven.  But Easter trumps both Christmas and Good Friday.  Why?  Because Easter is the proof positive that our sins have been forgiven. Easter is the proof positive that Jesus did not deserve to die.

You see, Jesus was able to pay our debt of sin for us only because He lived the perfect life that God demands.  Scripture tells us that the wages of sin is death.  We die because we deserve to.  By living our lives in sinful rebellion against the God who gave us life we forfeit that gift of life.  We die, not just physically but eternally, because sin separates us from a holy God.

When Jesus died He took that penalty for us.  He paid the debt we owe.  However, had Jesus remained in the grave, it would be clear that He deserved to die.  He would have been like any other sinful human being.  It is only because Jesus rose from the dead that we know His sacrifice was acceptable.  It is only because He rose from the dead that we know He was without sin.  And it is only because of His resurrection that we can have confidence that we who trust in Him shall also rise from the dead.

Thus, the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead is the most important fact of all of history.  Nothing could be more important. Paul put it this way in 1 Corinthians15: "What I received I passed on to you as of first importance: that Christ died for our sins according to the Scriptures,  that he was buried, that he was raised on the third day according to the Scriptures."  Yes, Paul includes the crucifixion in these matters of first importance, but without the resurrection the crucifixion means nothing.  If Christ had only died and had not risen from the dead we wouldn't even know he existed.  And we would certainly be without hope.  "If Christ has not been raised, your faith is futile; you are still in your sins." (1 Corinthians 15:17)

That's why Easter is the best day of the year.  It is the assurance that our sins are forgiven.  It is the assurance that even though we die we will surely rise again, just as Jesus promised.  "Because I live, you also will live." (John 14:19)  So, rejoice and celebrate BIG TIME on Easter.  It's the BEST day of the year!

The Ministry of Presence

"The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” Deuteronomy 31:8

This promise was first given to Moses and was renewed to Joshua when he took over the leadership of the children of Israel. It is repeated in various ways and forms throughout the Scriptures. It is the essence of what Paul writes in Romans 8:31 when he says: "If God is for us, who can be against us?" The writer to the Hebrews quotes it in Hebrews13:5. It is the promise that Jesus gave to His disciples before He ascended back into heaven in Matthew 28:20: "And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” God promises to be with us at all times and in every situation.

We know that God is faithful and He keeps all His promises. So how does He keep this one? He does so in numerous ways! He does so through His Word, as we read His promises in Scripture and hear of His faithfulness to the saints down through the ages. God does so through answered prayer, as He faithfully hears and answers our petitions. He does so through the ministry of the Holy Spirit who dwells in us to comfort and to guide us. God keeps the promise of His presence with us through His holy angels who are ministering spirits sent to serve those who are being saved. God manifest His presence with us through His faithful servants who declare His Word and administer the Sacraments, just as He has done for His people through the prophets and apostles in the past.

I could go on and on about how God is faithful to never leave us or forsake us, but since becoming a caregiver for my wife Diana as she is battling Stage IV Lung Cancer, I have become acutely aware of how important it is for us to exercise the ministry of presence on behalf of those we love, so that God may use us to fulfill His promise never to leave us or forsake us.

There are many aspects to the role of caregiver. Certainly there are the things that I do for Diana directly, like helping her with her personal care, managing her medications and making sure that she takes them all as he should. Part of caregiving is getting her to all of her doctor appointments, treatments and procedures. Another aspect of it involves all of the household tasks that Diana used to do for our family that I have taken over like cooking, cleaning and laundry. There are also the errands that I run outside the home that Diana used to take care of herself, like a trip to the drug store.

While all of these aspects of caregiving are important, I am convinced after more than a year in this role that they pale in comparison to the importance of the ministry of presence. What do I mean by the ministry of presence? I mean simply being with Diana whenever she needs me. There have been many occasions over the past year when Diana has asked me to remain home with her because she didn't feel well. It's hard to be alone when you are sick. You want someone to be there with you when you are suffering. Many times Diana has asked me to stay with her in the bedroom just to be by her side. Frequently we will linger at the table after a meal just to look at each other and rejoice in the company of being together. The ministry of presence also involves the hugs that I give her, the touch on the cheek, the squeeze of the hand, or sliding my fingers through her hair just to let her know that I love her. Rarely is it necessary to speak when exercising the ministry of presence. Just being there is enough.  But it is crucially important.

Frequently, when I am just being there for Diana I sense the ministry of God's Holy Spirit speaking to my spirit.  It is His assurance that in being there for Diana I am being used by my Lord to fulfill His promise, "Never will I leave you.  Never will I forsake you."  It is a wonderful feeling to know that you can serve the Lord in such a simple way, just by being there for someone you love when they need you.

Sometimes people are afraid to visit a friend or loved one who has a terminal illness.  "What will I say? What can I say?"  The truth is, you don't need to say anything at all.  Just being there will bless your loved one in countless ways.  It will be a manifestation of the presence of God in that person's life.  You will become Jesus "with skin on."  You will be His hands and His feet, and yes, maybe even His voice.  When you get a chance to exercise the ministry of presence for someone you love, don't pass it up.  You will be used by God to faithfully fulfill His Word, "I will never leave you or forsake you."  

The Indignity of Death

The other day I read with interest an article about a 29 year old newly wed woman who moved to Oregon in order to end her own life through physician assisted suicide.  Her story was truly a tragic one.  Married just a little more than a year, Brittany Maynard was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer and in April was given just six months to live.  In her blog she wrote: “I’ve discussed with many experts how I would die from it, and it’s a terrible, terrible way to die. Being able to choose to go with dignity is less terrifying.”

Is there any way of dying that is not "a terrible, terrible way to die"?  How does choosing to die in a certain manner or at a certain time and place make death any less terrible?  How does choosing one's time or manner of death give death any more dignity? "Death with dignity" is a lie of the devil. There is no dignity in death. Death is the last enemy. Death robs us of dignity because death is sin's wages paid in full, and sin robs us of our dignity because it prevents us from being who God created us to be.

In the face of death, our only dignity comes from God who chose us from eternity to be His own in Christ Jesus. Jesus understood that there was no way to make death dignified.  Hebrews 12:2 tells us that He, "for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame." Jesus didn't choose to "die with dignity" as though death could somehow be made less horrible by choosing when or how or where to die.  In fact, Jesus chose the cross to show us just how hideous sin and death really are.

Nevertheless Jesus did dignify death in the only manner possible.  He dignified it by robbing it of its power to destroy.  In 1 Corinthians 15:55-56 Paul writes: "'Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?' The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ." Jesus dignified death by His resurrection. In His resurrection victory over sin and the grave we find the only real dignity in death, since because He lives, we shall live also.

Almost one year ago my sweet wife Diana was diagnosed with Stage IV Lung Cancer.  It was shocking to hear the oncologist tell her on October 29 of last year that without treatment she would only have a few weeks to live.  It was difficult to hear him tell her that her form of cancer was incurable.  It was painful to hear that it could be treated and managed for an indefinite period of time, but ultimately it would claim her life.  It was no easier because Diana and I had been married for 43 years, not one year.  It was no easier because she was 65, not 29.

If I thought there was any way that I could help her cheat death out of its victory I would!  But I can't do that, only Jesus can, and she trusts in Jesus! If there were any way that I could bear her weakness and discomfort for her I would, but I can't. I don't even want to think about what this disease will do to her in the months ahead as it runs its course. Barring a miracle, she will become just a shadow of the woman I've known and loved for a lifetime.  However, I love Diana not for who she is suffering from the ravages of cancer.  I love her because of who she has been to me for a lifetime. I love her regardless of who she may become as a result of her illness. I love her because I have made a commitment to love her, no matter what, and I will love her to the end.

We will not seek to make death more dignified than it really is by choosing to end her life in our own time or place or manner.  I have promised her over and over again that although I cannot take away her suffering, "I will be with you every step of the way, and I will walk you all the way home to Jesus." So I will be by her side and hold her hand until she slips from my hand into the arms of Jesus. But for both of us, trusting Jesus is the only way to cheat death. The issues of life and death belong in the hands of God, who is the Giver of Life. We trust His perfect love, because He has given us life eternal through His Son, Jesus Christ, our Savior. And when that day comes that Jesus takes Diana home to heaven she will experience her real dignity, worth, yes, even her true glory in His presence as she shares in His glory. What a contrast it will be to the indignity of death!

The Righteousness of Faith and the Righteousness of New Obedience

The teaching of “the goal of the gospel” is not the gospel in service of the law.   It is the gospel in service of righteousness, first the imputed righteousness of faith, an alien righteousness, God’s declaration upon the believer through the obedience and merits of Jesus Christ alone — then an imparted righteousness of new obedience, a life transforming righteousness, endowed by the Holy Spirit through the Gospel power of the Means of Grace, Word and Sacrament, informed, instructed and trained by God’s Law, but motivated, empowered and equipped by the Gospel.

Both of these kinds of righteousness are the will of God for all people.  Paul writes: “This is good, and pleases God our Savior, who wants all men to be saved and to come to a knowledge of the truth” (1 Tim.  2:3-4).   “ This righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus” (Rom.  3:22-24).  

But Paul also writes, “Finally, brothers, we instructed you how to live in order to please God, as in fact you are living. Now we ask you and urge you in the Lord Jesus to do this more and more.  For you know what instructions we gave you by the authority of the Lord Jesus.   It is God's will that you should be sanctified ... (1 Thes.  4:1-3a).  And, “All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work” (2 Tim. 3:16-17).

The imputed righteousness Luther calls “alien righteousness,” or “passive righteousness.”  It comes by faith in the gospel of Jesus Christ.  It is not a future goal but a completed one — a legal declaration and a fact — resulting from the great exchange by which Christ assumes my sins and bestows his righteousness on me (justification).  The imparted righteousness Luther calls “proper righteousness,” or “active righteousness.”  It is the result of this “alien righteousness,” and flows naturally from it.  The Confessions also refer to it as “inchoate righteousness,” or “incipient righteousness,” since it is imperfect and incomplete as long as we remain on earth with our sinful nature.  Nevertheless, it effects our sanctification and is the express intent of God in bestowing his “alien righteousness” upon us through the gospel.  In this sense, thus, it is the goal of the Gospel.  These two must ever be combined but must never be confused or co-mingled.  We must carefully distinguish between them, but we should not separate them, as one cannot exist without the other.

God’s goal for us is our righteousness.  But the picture is incomplete if we see only the imputed, alien righteousness of Christ and forget the imparted, life-transforming righteousness of the obedience that comes from faith.  God has given us the first by grace through faith, and because of it we shall live forever in perfect righteousness and holiness.  Why would he neglect to begin that good work in us right now, conforming our wills to his will and transforming our lives into the image of his Son?  He has not neglected to do so, for all righteousness is the Goal of the Gospel!

Father's Day... Again

Both the joys and challenges of being a father are overwhelming.  I know, because I've been one for 37 years.  Though they change through the years, the joys and challenges of fathering continue for a lifetime.  I have new joys and special blessings now through my grown daughters and the grandsons they have blessed me with, that I could never have anticipated when my girls were little.

Father's Day was especially meaningful for me this year, in part, because of my ten year old grandson, Elijah.  Elijah has grown up living in my home with my daughter, Rebekah.  This was the first Father's Day that Elijah expressed sadness over not having a father.  Elijah's father wanted Rebekah to have an abortion, but I thank God that my daughter chose life.

I have a confession to make, however.  I am thankful now that my daughter chose life, but at the time I was angry.  Not because she decided not to abort her baby.  I was angry because I knew that her pregnancy would impact my life in many ways.  It was a selfish kind of anger, indeed, a sinful anger, and I am ashamed of it now.  I had no idea what a blessing her "choice" would be to me.

Elijah's sadness on Father's Day was a result of his father's decision not to be a part of his life.  His father was present the day he was born, but has only seen Elijah on one occasion since, when Elijah was only 18 months old.  They have had no contact since.  This has left a hole in Elijah's life that no one else can fill, not even me.

Yes, it's true, Elijah has grown up in my home and I've been a part of his life almost every day since day one, but nothing can change the fact that I am his grandfather and not his father.  I sense that time and time again.

Several years ago I was on my way to a pastor's conference and was listening to Focus on the Family on the radio.  The program featured a book about the devastating effects of being fatherless, especially on boys.  Gangs, drugs, alcohol, and crime rates are all dramatically higher for boys without fathers.  As I listened, I was brokenhearted thinking about Elijah.  Then Dr. Dobson asked the author if there was any substitute that could make a real positive impact on the life of a fatherless boy.  The author said that there was only one.  It was to have a resident grandfather, meaning a grandfather who lived in the same home as the boy without a father.  I was so moved by the privilege God had given me to have Elijah in my home and in my life everyday, that I had to pull over to the side of the road because I was crying so hard I couldn't see to drive.

After ten years of being Elijah's resident grandfather, he now seems more like a son than a grandson.  I've had the joy of taking him to school, to soccer, basketball and baseball games, going camping together and on "man dates" to the movies or swimming at the Gulf of Mexico.  We've built Legos together and played catch. We've ridden hundreds of miles on bikes together and shared lots of experiences that fathers and sons get to share.  Each year, he is more and more my "son."  What a blessing it has been to be a "father" again, and this time to experience that joy and challenge with a boy instead of with girls.  Believe me, boys live in a whole different universe than girls!

At the same time I've discovered that it's a special challenge being both "father" and grandfather at the same time.  I find myself constantly changing hats.  Much of the time I have to wear the "father" hat which means setting boundaries, upholding rules, managing and helping with homework, and meting out punishments for infractions, along with his mother, Rebekah.  But sometimes, some wonderful times, I get to put on the "grandfather" hat and just lavish love and spoiling on my grandson like a grandfather is supposed to do.  And sometimes I put on the wrong hat, spoiling when I should discipline, or getting tough when his mother has already handled the situation.

Father's Day meant so much to me this year because I have the privilege of being a "father" again at a stage in life when I have much more wisdom, insight, patience and love in my heart than ever before. I pray that God gives me many more years to be Elijah's surrogate father, so that at an appropriate age for him I can share with him some of the wisdom God has imparted to me through the years on subjects too delicate for a ten year old.

Yes, being a father the first time around was a huge blessing, and it's still a blessing to have my daughters in my life.  But there's a special blessing to being a "father" again.  I know that I can never replace the father Elijah longs for, but what an honor to try and make up for that loss in whatever way I possibly can.  As Father's Day drew to a close yesterday, Elijah and I were celebrating the Spurs victory and putting away the lego tank that we have been building together for the past couple days.  I wished him goodnight and said, "You're like a son to me, Elijah.  I love you."  My heart almost burst as he replied, "You're like a father to me, Papa.  I love you."  I am blessed!